dancingthroughchaos

‘Having trouble parking?… Get yourself a Sherman tank.’ – Kenny Everett – British comedian

Back in the 1980s, the much-missed comedian Kenny Everett had a TV show which once included a sketch I remember simply as, Solve all you parking problems with a Sherman tank. You can still watch it by searching You Tube for Kenny Everett – Trouble Parking – Just for Fun or click here.  (For the sake of accuracy and for the detail people out there,  there’s some discussion over the model  he used – more likely to be an M10 Tank Destroyer or M10 Wolverine than a Sherman. Whatever; it’s still hilarious.)

I think I saw that skit at my friend’s house; but somewhere in my subconscious, it’s apparently  been lurking for years.  With the inevitable approach of another decade, which begins in October for me, it was time to review my bucket list as discussions began on what I’d like to do to celebrate the milestone. Driving a tank came very near the top and, thanks to my generous sisters clubbing together, I ticked it firmly from that list last week.

The Armourgeddon Military museum at Lutterworth, in Leicestershire, was a bit of a trek from Surrey, but well worth it.  Shout out to Mick, my intrepid instructor, who suited me up in military grade clothing including a carbon-lined jacket (once upon it time it was designed to protect against chemical attack). After the inevitable health and safety check, he talked me through the driving technique required in a vehicle with no steering wheel before taking me on a practice lap, with him firmly in the driver’s seat while I admired the view from the gun turret. So far, so good.

Taking his life in his hands, we swapped places and since I seemed to have got the hang of it (despite my oversize Kevlar® helmet), Mick allowed me to venture down to the bottom field to navigate some gloopy mud and an impressively steep slope. The sheer weight of the tank provided the momentum for descending this – too much power from me and we’d have rolled.  Hauling back on the steering sticks which also serve as brakes, we crept down at a respectable rate before plunging into the thigh-high grass to avoid a chocolate-sauce puddle.  Great fun!

Upping the ante somewhat, Mick then closed the hatch which reduced my range of vision considerably. To be fair, this is to reduce the chance of getting shot on the battlefield and I’m all for that but, fortunately, there weren’t too may snipers around last Thursday.  However, it also meant I had to rely completely on his verbal instructions through the ‘comms’ headphones to steer left, right, or straight and how much power was required.  Heading back up that hill was a major challenge since all I could see was the sky as I was urged to floor the accelerator pedal and hit full throttle.  Challenge accepted and completed.  Really quite exhilarating!

I was surprised how much my shoulders were already aching from the effort required to steer this metal monster, so while part of me wanted to extend the experience for another hour or so, it was probably the right time to crawl to a halt.

Reverse parking took on a whole new dimension without wing mirrors.  I had no clue where I was in relation to the fence or the tank alongside me, but Mick saw me safely into the space without so much as scratching the tank I was positioned beside.   I imagine their insurance premiums must be fairly eye-watering.

Having divested myself of my military overalls, I returned somewhat dishevelled but with a ludicrously disproportional sense of achievement and a giant grin on my face, which is only just beginning to fade.

I know my birthday treat may not be everyone’s idea of a good time, but having learned to drive a tractor at age twelve, I think I’ve long had a taste for driving vehicles significantly larger than the average family car.

What I was reminded of last week though, was the importance of working as a team; the necessity of a wingman or woman to help us navigate the obstacles of life. 

Several years ago there was a surge of products – T-shirts, bumper stickers etc – declaring: Jesus is my wingman.  Frankly, I’d rather he was in the driving seat regardless of the vehicle or the terrain.

For more information on driving a tank, contact:  Military museum: https://militarymuseum.uk/  Experiences: https://www.armourgeddon.co.uk/activities/tank-driving-experience/